A Support System is Key

Having a support system when attempting to overcome any obstacle is very important. So why is it that I refuse to graciously accept the support from my extremely supportive husband?

After pondering this subject quite a bit over the last few days I think I have realized the truth behind this matter.

1. I am embarrassed. I never used to be like this, look like this, or feel like this. The fact that he is trying to help and be encouraging only brings more attention to the fact that I am fat. And in my mind, that means I am disgusting. Hence I get my back up and become defensive.

2. I am angry.   And who do we take it out on when we are feeling emotional? - The ones we love. My poor husband, Dave, has been a punching bag (if only literally - i might have lost a few pounds!) for me anytime he tries to suggest something for me to do. He just wants to help, make me feel better, see me smile, and make me happy. But in my twisted mind I contort this into something like this, "WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME AND HOW FAT I AM!"  You see, in my fat person brain, I pretend that the girl Dave sees is the girl I feel I am inside. Not the physical monstrosity that actually stands before him.

There are probably more reasons, but these are the ones I am recognizing for now.

Like a lot of people, I am more willing to accept support from a stranger, or an acquaintance - someone I don't have to face everyday. Its a lot easier for me to allow people who don't really know me that well to see me struggle.

I feel like I have let my friends, my family and myself down by becoming this "thing". And I do consider myself to be a "thing". I don't feel human in this body. The real me is trapped inside this alien body desperately trying to escape.

I do want to thank the people who have been able to reach that part of me that is willing to accept your support.

Thank you Liz Poin for being my virtual coach. I have a feeling that this is the beginning of a new life that you can help me get to. You are inspiring.

Thank you Tracy and Amanda, for showing you care by responding to my Facebook Posts. It means so much to me to have you routing me on.

Thank you Katie for understanding and admitting your own struggle. As awful as it sounds, its nice to know that other people I know feel the same way. Its not a nice thing feeling alone.

Thank you to my friends Tammy and Ana and Dorothy for loving me no matter how often I refuse to go out in public  and say no to a girls night because I am feeling sorry for myself.

Most of all, thank you Dave, my amazing husband. I may not react the way you hope me to, but I love that you love me no matter what. I love that you see me and you still think I am beautiful. Even though I get my back up when you try to help, I thank you for continuing to try, because it does matter to me. I love you.

Thank you.


Caren